One of the biggest obstacles standing between an athlete and their peak performance is the need for approval from others. Whether it’s from coaches, parents, fans, or the media, this external validation can become a major source of interference.

I know this struggle firsthand. Throughout my career, I constantly battled with caring too much about what others thought. Many athletes, like myself, tie their self-worth to external factors—status, accolades, or their reputation. But this is like building a house of cards on a weak foundation. Without correction, it will all come tumbling down. True value and self-worth must come from the one person who matters most—yourself.

Two Types of Athletes: Approval Seekers vs. Self-Secure Athletes

Approval-Seeking Athletes:

• Insecure about themselves
• Derive self-worth from:
  • Status (accolades, money, power, fame)
  • Other people’s approval or opinions
• Wishy-washy on their word, constantly adapting to fit in
• Live on the Teeter-Totter Trap:
  • Performance-Based Self-Worth:
    • Perform well = Praise & approval → Feel good about themselves
    • Perform poorly = No praise & potential embarrassment → Feel poorly
  • Comparison to Others:
    • Ahead of someone = Feel good
    • Behind someone = Feel bad
• Put enormous pressure on themselves to perform and achieve outcomes in pursuit of external validation
• Experience increased anxiety due to focusing on things outside their control (outcomes, opinions of others)
• More likely to choke in key moments and fall into the "Mediocrity Loop"—an inconsistent cycle of decent and poor performances

Self-Secure Athletes:

• Comfortable in their own skin
• Derive self-worth from themselves
• Do not seek approval from others or fixate on outcomes
• Focus on controllable aspects of their performance
• Play with more ease and less pressure
• Are more consistent and perform at a higher level under pressure

Why This Trap Is So Common

Many approval-seeking athletes come from environments where love and validation are conditional—tied to achievements rather than inherent worth. In contrast, athletes raised in households where love is unconditional and the process is more focused on rather than outcome these athletes tend to develop greater self-security and resilience.

I also believe that, as social creatures, the need for approval is wired into us. The good news is that we have the power to choose whether we’ll be approval-seeking or self-secure on a daily basis and moment to moment.

Over the next few blog posts, I’ll share steps that have helped me—and my clients—shift from seeking approval to becoming truly self-secure. Stay tuned.

-Coach Falk

"Either way, you are putting yourself on a slippery slope when you start believing that the outcome of your effort represents or embodies who you really are as a person." -Bill Walsh